Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Tasty Tuesday: The EPL's Top 7 Sexy New Signings
Now that the summer transfer window is officially closed, it is time to get down to business in sorting out this season's EPL newcomers. One of the most important things about summer transfers is that that lady soccer fans (ourselves included) get fresh new eye candy for our favourite teams. Of course, we will miss Thierry, but ladies, there are bigger and better fish to fry. That's why today, we're taking a look at The EPL's Top 7 Sexy New Signings. Welcome to the Premier League, boys. We hope you'll enjoy your stay because we certainly know we'll enjoy yours.
The EPL's Top 7 Sexy New Signings are:
1. Claudio Pizarro
Previous Club: Bayern Munich
New Club: Chelsea
This season, Chelsea has solidified itself as the winner of the sexy signings race. Claudio's dark hair and pouty lips are a gift to all lady Chelsea fans. It's as if Jose Mourinho (who is himself a former 'sexy signing') said to all those so-inclined Chelsea lovers: I am hot, my team is hot and we will conquer the league with our hotness. If we were Chelsea fans, we would be keeping our fingers double-crossed because it looks like things at the club are just too good to be true right now on the hotness front.
2. Roque Santa Cruz
Previous Club: Bayern Munich
New Club: Blackburn Rovers
Without delving too deep into clichés, Roque is not unlike the picture perfect South American you meet on vacation: tall, dark and handsome. Aside from having the most perfect profile in the league, he's also shaping up to be one of the best bargains of the season. His level of hotness is enough to make us all wish we were all Blackburn Rovers fans.
3. Daniel de Ridder
Previous Club: Celta Vigo
New Club: Birmingham City
We can officially confirm that Daniel is the hottest thing to come out of Holland since Robin van Persie. However, before he signed with Birmingham City this season, he hardly registered on our hotness radar. We’ll admit we totally dropped the ball on this one. Better late than never, right? This sexy signing is already well on his way to challenging for EPL hottie of the season.
4. Florent Malouda
Previous Club: Olympique Lyon
New Club: Chelsea
We've had our eyes on this sexy Frenchman ever since he was at Lyon, so, when we first began hearing rumours that he would be making the jump to the Premier League we were already busting out our French-English dictionaries and practicing our 'ooh la la's' before he ever put boot to grass at Stamford Bridge. If that doesn't explain to you how hot Florent is than his beyond-perfect abs should do the trick.
5. Owen Hargreaves
Previous Club: Bayern Munich
New Club: Manchester United
We'll admit we were slow to warm to Mr. Hargreaves. At first, we wondered, 'What business does a Canadian have on the English national team?' and so, we held a grudge and refused to acknowledge the hotness that was so obvious to so many others. Well, as recent converts, let us say it loud and let us say it proud: Owen Hargreaves is fine, foine and Fine with a capital 'F'. In a season where Manchester United is struggling in the hotness department (we dare not speak the name but it starts with a 'T' and ends with 'Z'), Owen will be the light at the end of the tunnel.
6. Habib Beye
Previous Club: Olympique Marseille
New Club: Newcastle
This last minute sexy signing and former Marseille (the club that bestowed us with former 'sexy signing' Didier Drogba) captain, is what we like to call hardcore tasty. He is the entire package: the abs, the thighs and the sexy accent. Losing Oguchi Onyewu has been a big blow to Newcastle but with both new-signings Alan Smith and Habib Beye on side, they still look set to put up a very serious fight for hottest team of the season.
7. Rolando Bianchi
Previous Club: Reggina
New Club: Manchester City
When Sven-Goran Eriksson took over at Manchester City and started plucking foreigners from relative obscurity most of us shook our heads and thought: Oh, Sven, you really are as shite as they say you are. But the moment we saw Rolando Bianchi holding up that blue shirt all was well, Sven suddenly became a hero and now we worship him. Okay, we lied about that last bit - we could never worship a man with a hairline that far back his head. Nevertheless, Rolando Bianchi is hot and holds his own among sexy signings the league over.
Disqualified:
Fernando Torres
Previous Club: Athletico Madrid
New Club: Liverpool FC
Disqualified due to: UHI - unacceptable hair issue(s)
The horrid blond-streaked-monstrosity sitting on Fernando's head will rarely leave our thoughts when watching any Liverpool games this season. We are outraged at his hair-stylist's irresponsible behavior and berate the fact that otherwise innocent young men the world over will wear this hairstyle under the false pretense that it is even remotely acceptable. Although Cisse has been gone for quite some time now, and Xabi Alonso has finally sorted himself out, the UHI's at Anfield continue to persist.
The EPL's Top 7 Sexy New Signings are:
1. Claudio Pizarro
Previous Club: Bayern Munich
New Club: Chelsea
This season, Chelsea has solidified itself as the winner of the sexy signings race. Claudio's dark hair and pouty lips are a gift to all lady Chelsea fans. It's as if Jose Mourinho (who is himself a former 'sexy signing') said to all those so-inclined Chelsea lovers: I am hot, my team is hot and we will conquer the league with our hotness. If we were Chelsea fans, we would be keeping our fingers double-crossed because it looks like things at the club are just too good to be true right now on the hotness front.
2. Roque Santa Cruz
Previous Club: Bayern Munich
New Club: Blackburn Rovers
Without delving too deep into clichés, Roque is not unlike the picture perfect South American you meet on vacation: tall, dark and handsome. Aside from having the most perfect profile in the league, he's also shaping up to be one of the best bargains of the season. His level of hotness is enough to make us all wish we were all Blackburn Rovers fans.
3. Daniel de Ridder
Previous Club: Celta Vigo
New Club: Birmingham City
We can officially confirm that Daniel is the hottest thing to come out of Holland since Robin van Persie. However, before he signed with Birmingham City this season, he hardly registered on our hotness radar. We’ll admit we totally dropped the ball on this one. Better late than never, right? This sexy signing is already well on his way to challenging for EPL hottie of the season.
4. Florent Malouda
Previous Club: Olympique Lyon
New Club: Chelsea
We've had our eyes on this sexy Frenchman ever since he was at Lyon, so, when we first began hearing rumours that he would be making the jump to the Premier League we were already busting out our French-English dictionaries and practicing our 'ooh la la's' before he ever put boot to grass at Stamford Bridge. If that doesn't explain to you how hot Florent is than his beyond-perfect abs should do the trick.
5. Owen Hargreaves
Previous Club: Bayern Munich
New Club: Manchester United
We'll admit we were slow to warm to Mr. Hargreaves. At first, we wondered, 'What business does a Canadian have on the English national team?' and so, we held a grudge and refused to acknowledge the hotness that was so obvious to so many others. Well, as recent converts, let us say it loud and let us say it proud: Owen Hargreaves is fine, foine and Fine with a capital 'F'. In a season where Manchester United is struggling in the hotness department (we dare not speak the name but it starts with a 'T' and ends with 'Z'), Owen will be the light at the end of the tunnel.
6. Habib Beye
Previous Club: Olympique Marseille
New Club: Newcastle
This last minute sexy signing and former Marseille (the club that bestowed us with former 'sexy signing' Didier Drogba) captain, is what we like to call hardcore tasty. He is the entire package: the abs, the thighs and the sexy accent. Losing Oguchi Onyewu has been a big blow to Newcastle but with both new-signings Alan Smith and Habib Beye on side, they still look set to put up a very serious fight for hottest team of the season.
7. Rolando Bianchi
Previous Club: Reggina
New Club: Manchester City
When Sven-Goran Eriksson took over at Manchester City and started plucking foreigners from relative obscurity most of us shook our heads and thought: Oh, Sven, you really are as shite as they say you are. But the moment we saw Rolando Bianchi holding up that blue shirt all was well, Sven suddenly became a hero and now we worship him. Okay, we lied about that last bit - we could never worship a man with a hairline that far back his head. Nevertheless, Rolando Bianchi is hot and holds his own among sexy signings the league over.
Disqualified:
Fernando Torres
Previous Club: Athletico Madrid
New Club: Liverpool FC
Disqualified due to: UHI - unacceptable hair issue(s)
The horrid blond-streaked-monstrosity sitting on Fernando's head will rarely leave our thoughts when watching any Liverpool games this season. We are outraged at his hair-stylist's irresponsible behavior and berate the fact that otherwise innocent young men the world over will wear this hairstyle under the false pretense that it is even remotely acceptable. Although Cisse has been gone for quite some time now, and Xabi Alonso has finally sorted himself out, the UHI's at Anfield continue to persist.
Labels: claudio pizarro, daniel de ridder, fernando torres, florent malouda, habib beye, hot footballers, owen hargreaves, rolando bianchi, roque santa cruz, sexy signings, tasty tuesday
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