Tuesday, October 2, 2007
The Ladies' Guide: Champions League - Match Day 2 - Chelsea v Valencia
TIET Previews today's Champions League action:
Chelsea v Valencia
Group: B
At: Mestalla, Valencia
Reasons to watch:
1. Didier Drogba. We took great delight in watching Didier give several players heavy duty cut-eye before his ceremonial shirt removal last weekend. Let's hope he does the same in Valencia.
2. Timo Hildebrand. For whatever reason, we love us some crazy German keepers and Timo is like the less neurotic, well-liked version of Jens Lehmann. We'll take it.
3. If you're not a Chelsea fan: It'll be like a gigantic trainwreck - you want to look away but...actually you don't want to look away at all. Watching this team implode is way too fun.
4. Joe Cole. If yesterday's press conference is any indicator he is looking foine, and will only look foiner tomorrow. Aside from that, we'd venture to say he's one of the few Chelsea players who actually showed up to last weekend's match.
Reasons NOT to watch:
1. Avram Grant. Although any amount of Avram is visually offensive, prolonged viewing of his pathetic and perma-pissed expression may actually be hazardous to your health. While Chelsea fans can perhaps take a moment at half-time to pray to the football gods for a hotter manager, others may need to keep a photo of Becks, Ronaldo or Jose nearby to remind themselves why we call it the 'beautiful game'.
2. John Terry. Oh, dear. Any sexifiable talent that was present in JT (we did notice miniscule amounts at times) has all but disappeared.
3.Valencia hottie Jaime Gavilan is still looking doubtful for today's match.
Final Verdict:
Although JT is looking bizarre in that mask, the prospect of watching Chelsea self-destruct is too good for us to pass up.
Well, that and the possibility that John Terry might pull out a cape that has 'No way, Jose' printed in the back of it, tie it around his neck, hold his arms up in the air and begin racing around the pitch trying to get a running lift-off. All this while Essien, Mikel, Kalou and Drogba start mumbling words like 'merde' and 'stupide', sit down on the grass cross their arms on their chests and announce that they've had enough. Then Avram Grant would have to run out onto the pitch - his face showing a glimmer of emotion (this is when we would turn to each other and say: So, he's not a robot then?). He would run over to Shevchenko grab his shoulders shake him violently and implore 'Why? WHY?!?!? DO SOMETHING O HOLY ONE'. That's when Sheva would reach under his chin, peel off his human like mask to reveal a horned, red, evil-looking alien creature with menacing yellow eyes. The whole stadium would then gasp in unison and then Evil-Sheva would shout, 'YOU'RE DOOMED! YOU'RE ALL DOOMED! FOOTBALL IS DOOMED!!!'
Claudio Ranieri would then come running onto the pitch from out of nowhere, tackle Avram Grant and shout, 'YOU'RE NOTHING! YOU'RE ALL NOTHING! I BUILT THIS CLUB! I BUILT THIS CLUB!!!' Evil-Sheva, at this point wondering who the hell this guy is, would jump on Ranieri punching him and kicking him. JT still focused on trying to fly, spots the pile-up and realizes it is Claudio Ranieri being victimized by Evil-Sheva and Avram Grant. Shocked, JT would then run over screaming, 'I never stopped loving you Claduio! I'll save you!' But before JT could start trying to rescue Claudio, Jose Mourinho would appear from the shadows - dramatic music would somehow begin playing throughout the stadium - and in his requisite overcoat (for old time's sake) he would walk over slowly to John Terry place a hand gingerly on his cheek and say, 'But I thought you loved me, John. I thought it was me and you forever. I thought I was your special one.'
Remember, you heard it here first.
Chelsea v Valencia
Group: B
At: Mestalla, Valencia
Reasons to watch:
1. Didier Drogba. We took great delight in watching Didier give several players heavy duty cut-eye before his ceremonial shirt removal last weekend. Let's hope he does the same in Valencia.
2. Timo Hildebrand. For whatever reason, we love us some crazy German keepers and Timo is like the less neurotic, well-liked version of Jens Lehmann. We'll take it.3. If you're not a Chelsea fan: It'll be like a gigantic trainwreck - you want to look away but...actually you don't want to look away at all. Watching this team implode is way too fun.
4. Joe Cole. If yesterday's press conference is any indicator he is looking foine, and will only look foiner tomorrow. Aside from that, we'd venture to say he's one of the few Chelsea players who actually showed up to last weekend's match.
Reasons NOT to watch:
1. Avram Grant. Although any amount of Avram is visually offensive, prolonged viewing of his pathetic and perma-pissed expression may actually be hazardous to your health. While Chelsea fans can perhaps take a moment at half-time to pray to the football gods for a hotter manager, others may need to keep a photo of Becks, Ronaldo or Jose nearby to remind themselves why we call it the 'beautiful game'. 2. John Terry. Oh, dear. Any sexifiable talent that was present in JT (we did notice miniscule amounts at times) has all but disappeared.
3.Valencia hottie Jaime Gavilan is still looking doubtful for today's match.
Final Verdict:
Although JT is looking bizarre in that mask, the prospect of watching Chelsea self-destruct is too good for us to pass up.
Well, that and the possibility that John Terry might pull out a cape that has 'No way, Jose' printed in the back of it, tie it around his neck, hold his arms up in the air and begin racing around the pitch trying to get a running lift-off. All this while Essien, Mikel, Kalou and Drogba start mumbling words like 'merde' and 'stupide', sit down on the grass cross their arms on their chests and announce that they've had enough. Then Avram Grant would have to run out onto the pitch - his face showing a glimmer of emotion (this is when we would turn to each other and say: So, he's not a robot then?). He would run over to Shevchenko grab his shoulders shake him violently and implore 'Why? WHY?!?!? DO SOMETHING O HOLY ONE'. That's when Sheva would reach under his chin, peel off his human like mask to reveal a horned, red, evil-looking alien creature with menacing yellow eyes. The whole stadium would then gasp in unison and then Evil-Sheva would shout, 'YOU'RE DOOMED! YOU'RE ALL DOOMED! FOOTBALL IS DOOMED!!!'
Claudio Ranieri would then come running onto the pitch from out of nowhere, tackle Avram Grant and shout, 'YOU'RE NOTHING! YOU'RE ALL NOTHING! I BUILT THIS CLUB! I BUILT THIS CLUB!!!' Evil-Sheva, at this point wondering who the hell this guy is, would jump on Ranieri punching him and kicking him. JT still focused on trying to fly, spots the pile-up and realizes it is Claudio Ranieri being victimized by Evil-Sheva and Avram Grant. Shocked, JT would then run over screaming, 'I never stopped loving you Claduio! I'll save you!' But before JT could start trying to rescue Claudio, Jose Mourinho would appear from the shadows - dramatic music would somehow begin playing throughout the stadium - and in his requisite overcoat (for old time's sake) he would walk over slowly to John Terry place a hand gingerly on his cheek and say, 'But I thought you loved me, John. I thought it was me and you forever. I thought I was your special one.'
Remember, you heard it here first.
Labels: avram grant, champions league, chelsea, didier drogba, jaime gavilan, joe cole, the ladies guide, timo hildebrand, valencia
0 Comments:
´ back home | Post a Comment