Tuesday, May 6, 2008
TASTY TUESDAY: SEASON REVIEW, PART BUM
As the end of the season looms and the majority of fans pick up their scarves and banners and head for the exit doors, I prefer to sit in the stadium and reflect. And by ‘reflect’, I do of course mean ‘wallow’. Hey, it’s a Gooner’s prerogative.
I’m proud of the little fella. This is someone clearly with some kind of bumeriority-complex, who covers it up week in, week out (maybe he’s aware that we’re sitting here with our binoculars and a bucket of popcorn, and thus feels slightly unnerved by the whole thing- in which case, our sincerest of apologies, Cesc), but when results go right, as they did so fruitfully on that fruity night at the San Siro, nothing can hide that little round peach. Speaking of peaches, did you really think I would omit Mr Robin van Peachy from the list? Hell to the no.
This man was extraordinarily close to clinching first place in our BOTB Awards; had it not been for his heartbreaking and much-felt absence for a large part of the season, causing us bum faithfuls to develop some worrisome bum withdrawal symptoms, he may have indeed bagged first place. Sadly for Mr van Peachy, ‘twas not the case, and our reigning Best Newcomer Arse went home with the main award.
In an ideal world, I would now peruse the contents of YouTube for some sexy goals, analyse player stats as if I actually give a feck how out-of-this-world Ronaldo (not the fat one) has been this season, and perhaps applaud the almost-champions (whoever they are) for their hard work and dedication this season.But instead I think I’ll move straight on to handing out the BOTB (Best of the Bums) Awards for the 07-08 season. You look surprised. Didn’t you know already that I’m pervert?
Of course, like most things, I only really give a fook about Arsenal and their players, so of course third, second and first place have already been duly set aside for the Gunners. But I feel I should perhaps give a little proud mention to former Arsenal star and current Arsenal legend, Mr Fredrik Ljungberg, for his continued displays of Bum Intellect (we feel your pain, Freddie; that’s why we need to cheer ourselves up with a little pinchy or two). He’s never let me down. And oh dear god. Feel free to send me on my merry little way to the nearest mental institution, but even Wayne Rooney has made improvements.
In third place (and yes, I am quite aware of my own bias) we have the master-of-all-things-round (bar Wayne Rooney’s head), Mr Francesc Fabregas Soler.
I’m proud of the little fella. This is someone clearly with some kind of bumeriority-complex, who covers it up week in, week out (maybe he’s aware that we’re sitting here with our binoculars and a bucket of popcorn, and thus feels slightly unnerved by the whole thing- in which case, our sincerest of apologies, Cesc), but when results go right, as they did so fruitfully on that fruity night at the San Siro, nothing can hide that little round peach. Speaking of peaches, did you really think I would omit Mr Robin van Peachy from the list? Hell to the no.
This man was extraordinarily close to clinching first place in our BOTB Awards; had it not been for his heartbreaking and much-felt absence for a large part of the season, causing us bum faithfuls to develop some worrisome bum withdrawal symptoms, he may have indeed bagged first place. Sadly for Mr van Peachy, ‘twas not the case, and our reigning Best Newcomer Arse went home with the main award.Sir Theodore has really come of age this season. And no, I’m not talking about his sadly overshadowed doubly-whammy against Birmingham, or the sex-on-a-foot that was his masterfulness against Slavia Prague way back in 1592… BC. I am of course referring to his facial fluff.
How could we forget that joyous day back in January 2006, when Sir Theodore posed for his very first squad picture* and all around the world, the female species echoed “Awwww!” in such a fashion that is usually only so deserved by very cute little puppies? The next thing we knew, Sir Theodore was stepping up to the ball with fluff all around his face. Just no. You promote breastmilk, Theo. The only fluff I will be condoning for the next fifty years of your life is the fluff on a lickle-wickle puppy!
Children today are far too eager to grow up, and to be frank, I’m quite worried by his eagerness. Turn into Thierry Henry’s little Mini Me, by all means, but interviews such as these do make a girl worry.
I don't think I've ever hit anyone. No, wait a minute. At primary school there
was this boy called Daniel Banks who had me in a necklock and he'd stolen my
football. I hit him.
No hitting! Unless the hit-ee is Cashley Cole. Or John Terry. Or Cristiano Ronaldo. I would’ve added Rooney to the list, but I fear he might sit on you in retaliation, and then there would be no more little Sir Theodore. Ah, sod it. Just stay at home with your puppy, and I’ll hit them for you.
*I couldn’t find the picture of said incident, so instead substituted it for an eerie look-alike. Kudos to anyone who spotted the difference!
Labels: arsenal, botb awards, marnie waffles, season review
3 Comments:
Ronaldo (not the fat one)
Which one's the not-fat one?
Which one's the not-fat one?
TIET- Well, we're soulmates: it's allowed.
CB- The disgustingly "out-of-this-world" one.
CB- The disgustingly "out-of-this-world" one.
Yes, someone punch Cashley. Anyone.