Wednesday, July 16, 2008
TIET TALKS: WE'VE BEEN SO BLESSED... SORT OF
You know you must be seriously progressing in the world of football journalism when top dudes with wrinkly prune skin and liver spot-encrusted foreheads (please note the correct way to grow a forehead) agree to give up some of their precious time for you and your blog. This is what we thought when Fifa came to us with promises of "a top dude with wrinkly prune skin and a liver spot-encrusted forehead" (their exact words) to answer all our most serious questions. We thought they were referring to Mr Burns, and got rather excited. But when they gave us the name of the man they had in mind, we realised that if we went ahead with the interview, we'd actually be making somewhat of a regression. But alas! He practically begged us to interview him (it's always been his dream to appear in TIET, second to his boyhood fantasy of appearing on the cover of Cosmopoliton magazine), and we just couldn't break the old dear's heart (though in hindsight, we wish we had). So read on for our interview with the President of Fifa, Sepp Blatter.
Sepp Blatter, thanks for joining us today. Now, you've been in the press a lot lately, mostly due to your comments comparing footballers to slaves. Those comments have come under fire a fair bit. Would you care to argue your case further?
I wouldn't say all the public attention has come from those comments.
No? So where has it come from?
Two things. One: I went to Ibiza last week and picked up a tasty tan. And two: my rap album.
Sorry?
I believe The News of the World picked up on the story, but the rest of you let it slip through the net. 50 Pence contacted me two weeks ago and asked me if I was interested in collaborating on his next album. So I went down to the studio, we mixed a few choons, and I suppose you could say that's what got the ball rolling. That's the name of my debut single: Ball Rolling.
Right. And I suppose that's a song detailing your love of football?
No.
No?
No.
Okay. So back to these comments about footballers being like slaves: While we understand that football players, unlike people in any other ordinary profession, are unable to hand in their notice and leave their place of work whenever they please, wouldn't you say that the deal footballers get - the huge wage package, the accomodation, the nice cars, the freebie clothes and movie premiere tickets and so on - is a fair swap?
Not at all. If someone chained me to a a lamppost, I would give up all my millions to be set free. Never underestimate the value of freedom.
But these footballers are hardly being chained up, are they? No one's put them in shackles, tied them up with ropes and... fluffy handcuffs. Pink ones. Whilst naked.
You just dooled saliva all over your lap.
Sshh. So my point is, the lifestyles they lead are hardly comparable to actual slavery. Don't you think making these comments is just a little disrespectful to those who have actually been subject to slavery?
Oh, I met Britney Spears while I was recording with 50 Pence and we had this very conversation. She wasn't in the least offended.
And Britney Spears has what to do with slavery?
Oh come on. You know the song.
[At this point, he stands up, whips off his smart black jacket, and starts girating his hips whilst singing.]
I'm a slaaaaaave for you. I won't deny it. I'm not tryna hide it.
I'm not really sure you can base your opinions and decisions, in a powerful position such as the President of Fifa, on a pop song written by a woman who held her wedding reception in a fast food restaurant.
Why not? I had my wedding reception in this lovely little place called Perfect Chicken. Splendid kebabs they serve there. You could learn a lot from someone like Britney Spears. For example, the way she dresses. It's the only reason men and not just seven-year-old girls buy her records. If women footballers wore what she wears, everyone would be all over the sport.
You think women footballers should wear school uniforms?
You are learning quickly!
What about watching it for the game? I mean, we got a told off on the odd occasion for enjoying a bit of rubbed-down-thigh action during all the extra times throughout Euro 2008, yet you seem to want women's sport to become subject to the same lascivious ways. Is there not a bit of hypocrisy in that?
Ah, but you are forgetting one very important thing: We, men, in all our warrior-like glory, are the superior sex.
Seriously? Do you want me to kung-fu your arse right now?
Martial arts is another sport I have problems with women participating in. The whole idea of a woman knowing self-defence is just ridiculous. This is exactly why we have Superman. Women needn't worry about defending themselves.
You do realise Superman is a fictional character, don't you?
Oh yeah. And I'm the Easter Bunny. Really. I am.
Finally, before we wrap up this interview... Your expert opinion on the whole Cristiano Ronaldo saga. Where do you think he'll start the season?
Oh, I have it in good knowledge that he'll be joining the great Real Madrid in just a couple of weeks. There have been a lot of negotiations already. Madrid have already seen one offer rejected, but I think we're about to see them put in an offer that Aston Villa simply won't be able to refuse.
Aston Villa?
They're going to struggle without their main man next season, but I'm confident Diego Maradona will help them retain their Premiership title.
Sepp Blatter, it's been very interesting talking to you. Thanks very much.
Thank you. Next time, wear a shorter skirt, dear.
N.B. This interview was conducted under the conditions of my weird imagination, and none of the comments made bear any resemblance to reality. Though we wouldn't be surprised if any of them later turn out to be true.
Labels: sepp blatter, tiet talks
Perfect.Chicken XD